RIP

Lukas H Pacheco

 Wow, as I sit here and type this blog post up, my hands are shaking and tears are streaming down my face. Never did I ever think I'd be writing a post like this, but the reality of it is that no one ever expects to write a post like this. As we settle into this new year and try to put behind the horrible things that happened to us in 2021, I must also remember that I can't take it all back, because with the bad, good also came. In January 2021, I found out that I was pregnant with baby #3 our sweet baby boy (I would later find out the gender). To say that I was over the moon is an understatement, I started to record how l felt, the progress of my pregnancy, how I told my family including Valentina and Miguel that they were going to have another brother or sister. Everything, I was so happy but also deep down I was worried. I had three weird dreams, where my maternal grandfather, paternal grandmother and mother in law came to me in my dreams. They all three are gone, the last dream I had was with my mother in law, in that dream she came to visit and carried the baby and I remember waking up and telling my husband that I hope that didn't mean that she wanted to take the baby with her. I would wish to swallow those words a few weeks later. End of March everything started going down hill, we found out the baby was sick and we would be losing him any day and at any moment. That is when I decided to find out the gender so that our little jellybean could have a name and his name is Lukas. When everything happened I felt the days very long, but now that I look back, everything happened so fast. From seeing my baby in the sonogram and being told how active he was to having to say goodbye to him on April 9th, 2021. I also got Covid, right then. We all did, and that didn't give me time to mourn, mourn for my sweet baby boy that I never got to carry, pamper with kisses or squish his little toes. It's been a hard journey, I've fought depression. Very hard depression but not the kind where I've been able to really understand or wrap my finger around it, I did seek help and I'm not afraid to admit it. Depression can be a very tricky thing, and I'm happy to say that I had so much support and continue to have so much support. My rock, my husband who's been there with me to cry when I cry non-stop or to just hold me and listen to me when I start talking about what I feel has been taken away from me. It's been so hard for me to get back to normal, especially with my blog and social media. If it weren't for my children, I'd also say the same thing about getting up from bed everyday but it's thanks to my babies that I get up from bed everyday. I take it day by day and go with the flow, when I feel sad, I feel sad. I'm making sure not to hold anything back. That's why this little space of the internet has felt so lonely but I will be back, slowly but surely.

In the meantime please pray for my baby and for me, that I may find peace with everything that has happened and that one day I understand that everything had to happen the way that it did for a reason.

One day I will understand.

Love, 

Kary xoxo